I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You were trust falling into bushes
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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