do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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