If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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