She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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