you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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