somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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