"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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