So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
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I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
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Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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