a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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