i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
