Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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