Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Terrible idea I love it
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
