You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
