can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Barsexuality is the new black.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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