My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
