I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
