the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
