remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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