i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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