It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
