tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
