Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
