she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize