I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
