People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
is it fun? or sober?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
