i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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