New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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