It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She bit a glass in half.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Dicks are not precious.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
