WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
