I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
be right there i have to get my cape
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
