Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
