the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
