I think I died a long time ago.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
