It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
