broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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