So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
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Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
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He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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