I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
