Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
