I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
