i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
