just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
