we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
