I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
