Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's shark week go big or go home
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
