Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
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Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
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I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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