I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
