Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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