I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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