Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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