Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
