God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
