I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
