Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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