if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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