You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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