She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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